More AITA Troll Posts
For context, see “My Collection of AITA Troll Posts.”
Bite Suit
AITA for wearing a bite suit to my sister's "dog-friendly" wedding?
My sister is obsessed with dogs and told me she was going to have a "dog-friendly" wedding where she'd encourage the guests to bring their dogs. I know it sounds like a joke, but it's not. My sister is a dog fanatic. My mom, though no fan of the dogs, is obsessed with the wedding and I knew she would blow up if I told her I didn't want to go. I went to my sister and told her that nobody other than her dog-loving friends wants dogs in the wedding, I don't want dogs, our family members don't want dogs, and her fiancé doesn't want dogs either. (He told me as much.) I told her she should have her dog party some other time. She took it as if I was personally insulting her, told me I wasn't invited to the wedding, and then started making fun of me for being short (said I have "Napoleon syndrome") and my wife for having a speech impediment. I was fine with being disinvited, but my mom was not and forced my sister to re-invite me.
I told my Mom I don't want to go but she demanded I do so anyway, as she wants us to play-act as if we're the perfect happy family. I said fine but that my wife was not going under any circumstances since she doesn't want to be around people who say insulting things about her. My Mom was angry upon hearing that. She actually said that she thought the wedding was more about her as the mother of the bride than about the marrying couple and that my wife was betraying her by refusing to go. That made me almost as angry at her as I was at my sister.
I'm a police officer and we use bite suits for training. I borrowed one and wore it to the wedding. You can imagine the scene. We're outside. Some people are wearing shorts and t-shirts, others are wearing suits as if it were a real wedding. There are all these yapping barking dogs crapping all over the place. And then I show up in my bite suit. Many people laughed with (or at) me and I got a few thumbs up. Many of the kids there were fascinated with the suit. I eventually had to take it off because I was getting too hot. My Mom didn't say anything during the wedding but afterwards she sent me an angry text message accusing me of "clowning up" the wedding. I told her you can't clown up a clown show.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Corn Syrup
AITA for telling my girlfriend to stop making nothing into a massive deal?
My girlfriend lives in an apartment complex that has an outdoor, fenced-off pool. Weirdly, she told me it was an "adult" swimming pool. I assumed that meant I could take my clothes off and swim nude, but when I did she and her neighbors got all offended and horrified. You see, "adult swimming pool" just meant that no kids were allowed because of liability. I apologized and put my clothes back on. How was I supposed to know what that meant? My girlfriend has been making it into a massive deal ever since, saying her neighbor was "traumatized" by seeing a naked male body. Really, women have been seeing naked male bodies since the dawn of history. People are so ridiculously uptight nowadays. Maybe it's all the high fructose corn syrup they put in the food.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Unbowed
AITA for demanding my Dad keep a promise he made to me?
My [17F] grandma recently died. My Dad had promised me that after she died he would buy me a car with part of the inheritance money. It's what my grandma would have wanted as she liked me and very much did NOT like my Dad. But now my Dad has gone back on his word. He says it's because the estate hasn't "settled" yet. I told him he could easily afford it if he gets a home equity loan, but he refuses to consider doing so and said he won't take money managing advice from a "little girl" and that I'm being "entitled" and "immature." I got really angry and called him a liar who went back on his word. He responded with stupid old cliche about the starving children in Africa. He hasn't lifted a finger to help the starving children in Africa, he just uses their existence to try and shut his daughter up. I told him that I will not be shut up. I am not a cowering weakling. I am strong. I am unbowed.
Last Saturday, we were driving to my grandma's funeral and I told him what a two-faced liar he was. He told me to shut up and said that he wasn't going to let me attend the funeral. He said he was afraid I would make a scene, so he would force me to wait in the car. I said I wouldn't but he said the "grieving relatives" don't "need" to hear my "sass." I told him I didn't eat dinner because there would be food at the funeral and he handed me ten dollars and told me to go to the McDonald's nearby. I told him I wanted real food, not that crap, but he didn't care. So there I was, sitting in the backseat of the car, hungry and lonely and feeling pathetic on a Saturday night while my friends, all of whom have their own cars, were probably having the time of their lives. I just couldn't take it and started crying. But I didn't want my Dad to think he won. So I forced myself to smile and took a picture and uploaded it with the caption "having a great time in the parking lot after the World's greatest Dad refused to let me go to my grandma's funeral." I don't normally use Facebook, but I posted it there so my Dad would see it.
When my Dad saw my post, he got mad at me. He said I was being disrespectful to my grandma. I said, "I'm not disrespecting my grandma, I'm disrespecting you, you G-- d--- asshole." He told me I only care about myself. I said all I'm doing is demanding he keep the fucking promise he made. That's NOT unreasonable. Then he said if I wanted a car, I will have to go get a job and pay for it myself, he won't buy it for me even after the estate settles. I was devastated. This is just so humiliating. Anytime I want to go somewhere I have to have someone come and pick me up like I'm a fifth grader. My friends say they don't look down on me, but I know they do. And they should, I feel like I'm pathetic and a failure.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Belgium
AITA for leaving a mouse on my ex-husband's door?
I got my son a pet mouse that he was initially very happy with. But after he went to his Dad's house and came back, he said he didn't like it anymore because it was a "low-quality, inbred mouse," because his Dad told him so. I called up my ex-husband, who played dumb and said he only meant it as a "joke." But I knew better. He's always trying to poison our children against me. My son kept whining about the mouse and demanding I take it "back" to the pet store and get him a new one. I told him that the pet store doesn't allow returns and that the mouse was just fine.
Unbeknownst to me, my son later took away his mouse's food and water and let it die of starvation. Then he showed me the dead mouse and said I "had to" buy him a new one. I don't know what kind of messed up logic he was operating with, but I told him I don't have to do anything and that he can have a pet when he's more mature. My ex-husband claimed he was "horrified" by what our son did, but I bet he was laughing his ass off. That was exactly what he wanted to happen when he started with that "low-quality inbred mouse" line. So I decided to duct tape the dead mouse to my ex-husband's door, like the German Army used to do in Belgium. Since he's raising our son to be a selfish jerk and a monster, he can deal with a dead mouse on his door.
Judgement: ESH.
Note: This got 1,300 comments on the subreddit r/AITAH.
UFO
AITA for mocking my girlfriend and her friend for watching a stupid UFO conspiracy "documentary?"
My girlfriend asked me if her friend could stay over at our apartment for a few nights. I asked her how that would work since we don't have anywhere for her to sleep. (We don't even have a couch, just two armchairs.) My girlfriend said "we'll figure something out." I got the clear implication that this meant we would all be sleeping in the same bed and that I would at least be able to make a pass at the friend. Since the friend is attractive, I said yes. But later my girlfriend told me that I wasn't allowed to make a pass at her friend, who would be sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor. I said, "I didn't agree to this," but my girlfriend told me she had already made the offer and that it would be rude to withdraw the invitation. So I reluctantly agreed to it, feeling like I had been snookered.
Once the friend arrived, I was still mad about it, not banging on the walls mad but just surly. Then my girlfriend and her friend started watching this stupid UFO Conspiracy "documentary" on the History Channel and I started laughing with scorn. They asked me why and I said the program was stupid. My girlfriend said, "are you calling me stupid," and I said "no, I'm saying you're voluntarily watching a stupid TV program." Then she told me I was an arrogant prick.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Racist Wedding
AITA for refusing to punish my son?
For the past fourteen years, I've been happily married to a woman from the Philippines, with whom I have two children. Ever since I got married my sister Juliet and her husband Mike have been calling my wife a "mail-order bride," "sex slave" or "concubine." For this reason, I'm generally no contact with Juliet and Mike; seeing them at family events but trying to avoid interacting with them. My younger sister got married last week and during the ceremony the groom, Robert, was joking with Mike and Juliet about how I was a "slaveholder" and all that idiocy. I talked to Robert later and he admitted that he was totally going along with it, not just passively listening to what Juliet and Mike were saying. My 11-year-old son overheard it and, as you could imagine, wasn't happy to hear his father accused of enslaving his mother. So he took the figurines off the wedding cake and threw them in the toilet. He did this in front of everybody and then flipped off the bride and groom.
Now everyone's asking me how I'm going to punish my son. I told them I don't intend to punish him at all. Yeah, he could have handled it better, and I advised him that next time he should just ask to leave. But I'm not going to punish him. When adults invite a child to their wedding, insult said child, and are too stupid to make sure the child isn't in earshot, they shouldn't be surprised when said child behaves childishly in response to the insult. I figure that since he's only eleven I'll let him get away with it this time, if he's still doing stuff like this at seventeen there will be major consequences.
Judgement: NTA
Note: This got 1,9000 comments before I admitted it was a troll. It’s not even the first racist wedding AITA troll post I made, see here. There’s something about AITA and weddings. I initially wrote it as age gape rage bait, but decided to leave out the age difference as age gap stories are against the rules.
Strip Search
AITA for attempting to rub myself while I was undergoing a strip search?
I, 32M, was arrested recently and they conducted a strip-searched at the police station. The guy who conducted the strip search was a really good looking ~20 yo guy. I involuntarily started to get a hard-on and attempted to rub myself but he yelled at me and told me not to. When I told my mom about it she told me I was a "perv." I think she's just mad since I turned out gay. She had a big problem with it when I first came out but now says she's "okay with it." Despite that she's always making snide, mildly homophobic comments. I've told her it's not my fault. This is the way God made me.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Plumpkin
AITA for putting dirty underwear on my mom's bed?
I(33M) have a girlfriend and my mom calls her "plumpkin" because she's plus size. Also my mom mocks me for not having a job and being on disability. Really she's pissed off that I have a girlfriend and she doesn't have a boyfriend. I tried to be the bigger man and not give her the satisfaction of getting angry, which is what she wanted anyway. But yesterday she called my girlfriend plumpkin to her face and my girlfriend started crying. My mom laughed and called my girlfriend a big baby and then repeated "big baby big baby" to fat shame my girlfriend.
I was so mad at my mom for making my girlfriend cry I decided to take four pairs of my dirty underwear and put them under her sheets. I thought she'd notice them when she went to bed but she fell asleep not noticing them and then at 3 am she must have realized there were pairs of dirty underwear in her bed. She woke me up and tried to kick me out of the house. I said I'm not leaving and she said she's gonna start eviction precedings. I refuse to be treated like a second class citizen anymore. My cousin is behind me but all the other family members are against me and some have told me they are going to be "no contact" now. My social worker says what I did was morally wrong and that I should apologize.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Hamster
AITA for telling my sister to get over something that happened when we were teenagers?
My sister and I had a sibling rivalry growing up. At one point when we were teenagers, she cheated on her boyfriend, who came over to our house and asked me to help him get back at her. He asked me to sleep with him to "make her jealous," to which I said ew, gross. Then he asked if he could go into her room and "do something bad." I said sure and let him in. He went in and sliced off the head of my sister's hamster. I was pretty horrified when I learned what he did and I regretted letting him in. But there was nothing I could do to bring the hamster back so I remained silent. Nobody suspected that I let him in.
Flash forward to now, thirteen years later. My sister is going on about how bad her various ex-boyfriends are, including the one who killed the hamster. I told her I was the one who let him into her room. I didn't think she'd get mad but she started yelling at the top of her lungs. I apologized but she said I wasn't "sincere," and now she's gone no contact with me and says she will refuse to visit our parents if I'm going to be there. Our father, who is sick and probably doesn't have very much time left, is distressed at the fact that he can't be in the room with both his daughters, but all my sister seems to care about is a f***ing animal from thirteen years ago. I told her to get over it.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Fake Blood
AITA for covering my private area in fake blood to make a point?
My wife got food poisoning and was really sick for an entire day. During her sickness, she was pretty unreasonable, being pissed at me because I didn't "empathize" with her. The thing is I have autism syndrome and so have trouble empathizing with others; she knew that when she married me. When she told our six-year-old son that she had been barfing and crapping diarrhea at the same time, he analogized it to a supernova. She told him he was grounded for being a "lil shit." I told him he wasn't grounded because I didn't think he meant to insult her, he was just showing off his space knowledge. Then she started screaming at the both of us, so I took my son and went to the park to let her cool off, after which I got a load of text messages whining about how "unempathetic" I am. I knew what the real issue was: she was on her period. She always does this yet insists it's a massive coincidence that she happens to get pissed off about something during the days when she's bleeding. I decided to show her how empathetic I could be. So I made fake blood and put it all over my private area, then told her "now I know how you feel!"
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Bad Word
AITA for mocking my girlfriend and calling her a loser?
My girlfriend enrolled this January in real college after making it through four years of community college. She is not doing well. She recently failed an algebra midterm and was crying. I was trying to console her and I asked her how much she had studied. She told me she studied 45 minutes on the night before the midterm, an hour on the day of the midterm, and that was all. She "timed it" and seemed to think that would be sufficient. I laughed and told her that real college was going to require a lot more effort. She got mad and yelled at me and told me I only got into college because of affirmative action. (I'm black, she's white.) I was really angry but I decided to just go for a walk instead of saying or doing anything more. By the time I got back, she was apologetic and I was apologetic and I thought we would put the whole incident behind us.
Then, she and I were with her family at a new restaurant. I asked her dad if he knew where the pisser was. He told me, I went, and didn't think anything of it. But after the dinner my girlfriend got mad at me. She told me "pisser" was a "bad word." That was news to me. Growing up in my house, bad words were f***, God d***, etc. We called it the pisser all the time. But still, I went and called her dad and apologized and told him I didn't think it was a bad word but wouldn't use it around him anymore. He accepted the apology and didn't seem angry, but my girlfriend was. She was convinced that I was trying to embarrass her to get back at her for the earlier fight. The next day she showed up at home (I live with my parents), invited herself in, and then called my parents the n-word. They were horrified but she said she heard black people using the word all the time and figured it was okay. They told her it was not okay and she then proceeded to "apologize" for using it and then went on a philosophical monologue about how if hearing the word was really traumatizing to black people they wouldn't be using it "fifty times a day." Then I told her I wasn't going to tolerate her taking out her anger at failing her math midterm out on me. I then mocked her for being such a loser she's 23 years old and is failing a class most people take and pass in high school. All her classes are remedial (meaning high school level, not college level) and she won't even get college credit if she manages to pass them, just the opportunity to enroll in real college classes next year.
Judgement: Removed by Reddit’s automated spam filters.
Easter Prank
AITA for playing what I thought was a light-hearted Easter prank on my mom?
I heard about instances where people have cracked open eggs and out came actual chicks. I thought it would be funny if I made that happen for Easter, so I got my boyfriend, whose family are farmers, to acquire some fertilized eggs. I was told the chicks would hatch about one week after Easter but would probably die in the fridge long before that. To make sure the chicks were dead, I boiled them first, then put them back in the fridge. I then gave them to my mom and told her they were special "organic" eggs; a gift from my boyfriend. She re-boiled the eggs and we dyed them yesterday. This mourning, my mom cracked open one of the eggs and out came a dead chick. She called me up and yelled at me this mourning, telling me I have a "sick sense of humor." I think she needs to learn how to take a joke.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Philippines
AITA for insulting my son after he made antisemitic comments?
My son (15M) keeps demanding that I buy him things and then when I refuse, he calls me "Jew dad" and then launches into an antisemitic rant. I got annoyed with him and so I decided to insult him. I told him he should date Philippina girls since they will do whatever sexual act he wants. For a few seconds, he didn't get it but then said, "that's mom!" and started screaming at me. I was delighted because he finally understood how I felt when I got insulted for my ethnicity by my brat son. But when I told my sister about it, she said I was a "sicko" and that nobody should ever say that kind of thing to their son no matter how badly he behaves. My wife was fine with me saying it. It's not like there's any truth to what I said; we only do vanila sex. Am I the asshole here?
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Communal Riot
WIBTB if I created a market where people could bet on the number of casualties from communal rioting in India?
I have an idea to create a prediction market that would allow people to bet on the number of casualties from communal rioting in India. The purpose would be to give policymakers a new tool to predict and prevent rioting and provide advance warning to victims. I've asked a few people and some have said it's a great idea and others have said it is offensive, exploitative, and disrespectful to the victims.