My Collection of AITA Troll Posts
I’ve recently been trolling the subreddit r/AmITheAsshole.(Known as AITA for short.) AITA was 2022’s most popular subreddit, so many of my trolls got lots of engagement.(Usually 10-100 comments, and in one case over 4,000.)
On AITA, users write posts asking “am I the asshole” in specific situations and get “judgments” of YTA (you're the asshole), NTA (not the asshole), NAH (no assholes here), or ESH.(everyone sucks here) After 18 hours, the top-voted judgment comment becomes the “official” judgment.
Of course, neither the “judges” nor the posters are representative of the population. The judges tend to be young, female, and liberal, a combination conductive to angry outbursts in response to some of my rage-bait posts. One would think people with more “live-and-let-live” moral ideology would be underrepresented in the sub, though they do exist there. And assholes, of course, are probably not going to post in AITA. Real assholes don’t reflect on whether they might be in the wrong. Their attitude is, “I’m in the right, and if people think otherwise, then they’re assholes too!” Thus, it shouldn’t be surprising the most common judgment is “NTA.” AITA mostly consists of non-assholes, sorta-assholes, and trolls like myself pretending to be assholes.
As a creative writing exercise, AITA allows you to pretend to be an angry, self-destructive, uncooperative, bullying, spiteful 80-IQ moron. And then see the reaction of normies who, for the most part, take the stories at face value. Most of my posts were eventually taken down by the moderators, which preserves all existing comments but prevents new ones from being posted.
Below are my best trolls, enjoy!
Table of Contents
Tear Gas Dead Dog VR Headset Goon March Chimp Impressions Helium Girl Marshmallow Test Used Tampon Used Tampon 2 Racist Wedding McDonald’s Boobs Boobs 2 Boobs 3 Copypasta Dirty Old Man Dirty Old Man 2 Dirty Old Man 3 Nintendo Switch Momma’s Boy Paranoid Schizophrenic Depressed GF Trashy Family Christmas Dinner Cocaine Cocaine 2 All The Races Ex-wife’s Porch Body Pillow Family Event Dunce Cap Thanksgiving Pie Bra To Church Will ChatGPT Free Spirit Front Hole Yearbook Smiley Face Plate Gorilla Hate Symbol Braggart KFC Wrong Race
Tear Gas
WIBTA if I told my brother about my Dad's record?
My fifteen-year-old brother has just joined the high school band. As part of some kind of moronic haze thing, he was told to acquire three tear gas canisters and give them to the guy in charge. They wouldn't tell him what they planned to have him do after he delivered the canisters. I told him he shouldn't put up with crap like that but he kept saying that "it's not optional" and that the band kids would make him into a pariah if he doesn't cooperate. He asked me if I could buy him the tear gas canisters on the internet as our Dad took away his debit card. I continued to advise him to tell the band kids to go torment someone else but he insisted and I reluctantly helped him. I bought the canisters with my debit card and he paid me back in cash. I went home to deliver the canisters and as soon as I entered the house, our Dad started yelling at me about what I did. He must have hacked my brother's phone and read all our texts. He yelled and yelled that I was "irresponsible." Of course, the next day, I went to my brother's school and gave the canisters to him in the parking lot. He was "sworn to secrecy" as to what they were used for, and TBH I don't want to know. But he's "in."
Our Dad is super mad at us both. Thankfully I don't live with him, so don't have to hear his rants, but my brother is being subjected to continual guilt-tripping by a high and mighty AH. Due to the events, I'm thinking of telling my brother something I learned a few years ago. I was searching this website full of free crime records, and just for fun, I entered my Dad's name. I was shocked. There was nothing really bad, just petty stuff, but still, he was in trouble with the law all throughout his early 20s. He admitted it, and I told him I wouldn't tell my brother, but now I wonder if he ought to know.
Judgement: YTA
Dead Dog
AITA for burying my GF's dog in my mom's backyard without getting her permission first?
My mom took a 2 month vacation across Southeast Asia during which my GF's dog died. I asked my GF what we should do with the body but she was not taking it well and said she didn't know. So I texted my mom asking if I could bury the dog in her backyard. I didn't hear back for several hours, which wasn't surprising as she told me she would often have her phone turned off. But I didn't want a dead dog stinking up my apartment and so I told my GF my mom would probably be fine with it. So we went ahead and buried the dog. A few days later, my mom must have turned on her phone and seen my texts. She told me I wasn't allowed to do it and when I said I already did it, she demanded I dig up the dog and pay money to have it cremated. I told her that would cost money I didn't have and that she should let me leave the dog in the ground. I told her I wasn't asking for much. After she called me an ingrate and an autistic man-child, I told her she has a dead dog buried in her backyard and it's her problem now.
I never had many luxuries when I was a kid. I never had a trust fund, never had a car, never had expensive clothes. I moved out of my mom's house at age 18 and got no money for college. I don't think it's unreasonable for a son who doesn't have a yard to expect his mother to let him use her yard when he needs it.
Judgement: YTA
Note: Best comment was “I’d be a lot more sympathetic if you spoke of the dead dog with even a modicum of solemnity or affection.”
VR Headset
AITA for refusing to remove my VR headset?
My wife was giving birth and I brought in a VR headset as I expected it to get boring. I asked my wife if she was okay with me using the headset and she said yes. I was playing Firewall Zero Hour when the Doctor told me there was a “regulation” against VR headsets. I asked to see this purported regulation and he said I was not entitled to see it. I told him that if he wanted to have the security guy come and drag me out kicking and screaming that was his choice to make. He just looked at me with a surly look and then ignored me through the rest of the delivery.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Goon March
AITA for wearing my helmet to dinner?
I, 15F haven’t been getting along with my older sister, 18F, or her boyfriend, 18M. I never really liked her but I absolutely detest her boyfriend. I’ve recently taken to calling them knob and hole. Knob and hole were gonna be part of a goon march through East Saint Louis. The goon march isn’t officially a couples' thing but anyone who went alone would look pathetic. Knob and hole were acting like it was a bigger deal than the prom. I naturally wanted to go too, so I asked my boyfriend to accompany me. He said he wanted to go but his mom forbade it because it was “dangerous” and she was afraid if he were photographed at the march it would harm his college applications. I told him he should defy his mother and go anyway. He refused. After some prodding from me, he got mad and told me the goon march was just “keeping up with the Jones’s” and that I was being a “high-maintenance girlfriend.”
That made me angry. It made me even angrier when hole showed me all the photographs of her and knob having a great time at the goon march. I know they say jealousy is acid to the soul, but I couldn’t help feeling jealous. I decided this was all the fault of my boyfriend’s mother and that she would be saddled with the responsibility. I waited for the perfect moment. She invited me to have dinner with her, her son, and her parents, who I had never met before. I decided to wear a helmet to dinner. I explained that since she thought that safety was the paramount value, I had to wear the helmet throughout the dinner in case the roof came crashing down on our heads. I was afraid my boyfriend would get angry but he just rolled his eyes, said it was my “time of the month,” and walked out to go play Fortnite. But his mom was outraged. Then she and her parents talked for like half an hour about how “unruly” and “disrespectful” the younger generation is and how “back in my day, blah blah blah.” It was like the grumpy old man from SNL.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Note: best comment was, in reply to someone saying it was fake, “Tbh this is the level of incoherent petty teenage nonsense I have little difficulty believing.”
Chimp Impressions
AITA for making an alternative wedding website?
I got married and during the reception I encouraged the guests to do chimp impressions. My wife didn’t have a problem with it but my MIL got mad and then cut the scenes where people were doing chimp impressions out of the video she uploaded to the wedding website. I thought it was unfair, while she set up the website, it’s my wedding and it’s supposed to be a celebration of the married couple and I felt the chimp impressions were the highlight of the affair. So I copied the website but replaced the video with a stitched together version with the chimp impressions added back in. Then I put it on my Facebook profile and called it the “official” wedding website. That made my MIL even angrier. She said it was disrespectful and “insulting” to “all the work” she did to prepare the wedding.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Helium Girl
AITA for telling an embarrassing story about my husband?
Helium is a non-renewable resource, and it’s non-renewable in a way that other non-renewable resources aren’t. When you burn oil, the carbon and hydrogen turns into CO2 and water. The total amount of carbon and hydrogen in the Earth’s crust does not change. Given enough energy, you could take CO2 and water and turn them back into hydrocarbons. (This is essentially what biofuels do.) But once helium is released into the atmosphere, it soon escapes to space and is gone for good. Using helium DOES reduce the amount of helium in the Earth’s crust. I’ve tried to explain this to my husband, George(all names here are fictitious), but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. “Well, can’t we go find more helium…” I’ve said variants of “you know less about science than a WOMAN” which really pisses him off.
We’ve learned not to discuss the helium issue, and our marriage is generally very happy. A relationship that isn’t harmonious is my relationship with my SIL Lucy. George and I, like all the rest of his family, advised his brother against marrying her. We did it because we care about him but he took it as an insult. Since he got married, he’s become a completely different person and all for the worse. Recently I was with him and Lucy and I told them that I thought the Jews had a good idea in defining Jewish identity matrilineally since the woman is the one who sets the tone for how the children will behave. I meant it to insult Lucy and she sure was insulted! Her kids are brats, just like her.
Later at Christmas, she got back at me by giving George a blow-up doll. My name is Caitlin and she called it “replacement Caitlin” saying that since everyone in the family would like to replace her, she thinks George should replace me instead. Unlike her, we’re civilized people so we didn’t respond by stomping on the floor and screaming; we took it in stride. George asked me if I wanted to do a 3some with him and the blow-up doll. (I said no.) He then suggested filling it up with helium from my hoard. I’ve explained to him many times that in the future, helium will be worth its weight in gold. Looters will steal people’s helium while leaving behind their flat-screen TVs. I can’t have people knowing about our helium hoard, let alone trashy people like Lucy and her juvenile delinquent kids. He just rolled his eyes and told me I was being melodramatic. I then said, “you want to see melodramatic?” So I told everyone about the time he was on a business trip and meant to send me a dk pic but sent it to his mother instead. Nobody else in the family knew the story and he and his mother looked so embarrassed. It was the funniest thing ever.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Marshmallow Test
AITA for comparing my son to the kids who failed the marshmallow test?
My wife and I are trying to convince her mother to put us back in the will. This includes, among other things, pretending to be Christcucks like she is, attending church every Sunday. At first, I found it excruciatingly boring, but I figured out a way to make it tolerable with earplugs and a hollowed-out Bible I place a book in. My kids(12M and 9F) are more annoyed with it, my son especially. I've told him many times that he'll be benefitting from the money. I've even promised to buy him a car as soon as his grandmother dies. But it seems to just go in one ear and out the other. He's been squirming and shaking in the pews to demonstrate his displeasure, which I've explained away by pretending he has ADHD.(He doesn't, we had him tested.) Last Sunday, he decided to be a real AH by putting monopoly money in the collection plate and then bragging to all the other Sunday school kids that he was the guilty party. I was mad since it reflected poorly on me.
In addition to grounding him, I explained the marshmallow test experiment in which they gave children a choice of one marshmallow immediately or two if they waited a while. The kids who waited were successful, while the kids who demanded the one marshmallow immediately grew up to be losers. I told him if he kept down the path of destructive present-time orientation, he'll end up like his loser pothead uncle. My son got mad, flipped me off, and ran to his room. Later I told my wife what happened and she got mad at me for "scaring" our son. I told her I was trying to scare him,(not sure if I did though) scaring him straight! She said he's "too young" for that kind of conversation. I pointed out that he's 12, going to be a teenager in less than a year, and needs to stop the self-destructive behavior ASAP.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Used Tampon
AITA for requiring my wife to show me her bloody tampon every day she’s on her period?
I have been having suspicions that my wife has been exaggerating the length of her period in order so she’d have it as an excuse to not have sex. So starting three cycles ago, I required her to show a bloody tampon every day she was “on her period.” Lo and behold her period doesn’t last as long now, though she’s said that the data I have collected isn’t a large enough sample size to be statistically significant. She doesn’t seem to mind it much, I mean she does whine but she whines about everything. But when I told my mom about it, she told me I was an asshole and to post here to see.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Used Tampon 2
AITA for refusing to give my husband my used tampon?
My husband works as a computer programmer at a company notorious for treating its employees poorly. He's always complaining about how his boss is an asshole and his co-workers always blame him for their screw-ups. There's one co-worker in particular who he says is the worst, a man named Seth. He asked me if I could give him my used tampon so he could put it on Seth's laptop. I told him I just wasn't comfortable with the idea. He kept begging and whining. Now he's saying it's not "about" the tampon anymore, but that it's become a symbol of how everyone has "betrayed" him and how I'm not willing to do this "one little thing" for him. He's upset about the genuinely horrible behavior of his mom and brothers and the fact that our son keeps getting in trouble at school and, to him, this is just one more "betrayal."
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Racist Wedding
AITA for telling my sister to stop trying to make my wedding all about her?
Background: my sister has a black boyfriend and my parents are not happy about it. They’ve told her if she wants to come to my wedding (which they are paying for) she can’t bring her boyfriend. She’s very upset, particularly since they let my other sister bring her Chinese husband.(They weren’t happy with that either, but say that, “fundamentally, the Chinese aren’t black.”) So she’s telling me I should cancel the wedding in protest of the “racism” and marry in a courthouse instead. I told her no and she called me a “racist by proxy.” I agree she’s right to be mad at my parents, but that’s not a reason for me to have to marry in a courthouse. I told her the wedding is about me and my soon-to-be husband, not her feud with our parents.
Judgement: Removed by Reddit’s automated spam filters.
Note: This was my most successful troll post so far, getting ~4,100 comments. Wedding stories are like 1/8th of AITA.
McDonald’s
AITA for bringing McDonald's to dinner with my girlfriend’s family?
My girlfriend’s parents are really into “health” food which I think is gross. It’s ironic because I am of normal BMI, as is my GF, and her parents are, well, not. So when they invited me to dinner, I smuggled a big mac and fries in my briefcase. I asked my GF if it was okay first and she said yes. When I went to dinner, I first took a sample of their food, telling them I wanted to try it first so I wouldn’t waste it. After taking a few bites, I said the food wasn’t for me but that I was nevertheless thankful to them for making it. Then I took out my big mac and fries and started eating. They looked mortified and I just laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. But my girlfriend got mad at me even though she explicitly said what I did was okay. She then said she thought I was joking, apparently.
P.S. Since they weigh 300 pounds, I suspect the “health” thing is just for show and in private they’re wolfing down Big Macs too.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Boobs
AITA for refusing to lecture my sister?
Recently my cousin Melissa got drunk and drove into a pole. I(22F) and my sister Hannah(19F) were at her funeral. Hannah and Melissa never got along. When they’d be together, Melissa would point to her boobs and say, “I’ve got bigger BOOBS than you. I bet you’re jealous of my BIG BOOBS.” So Hannah decided to do a “tribute” to Melissa during the funeral. She got grapefruits and put them over her boobs, holding them up with duct tape and an ultra plus size bra. She insisted that it was “honoring” Melissa but everyone knew it was supposed to mock her. I have to admit I laughed at it, I couldn’t help it and I’m not proud of it. Anyway, she was kicked out of the funeral but she couldn’t just go home as I had driven her there and it was two hours away from her house. So she stood outside the funeral home and entertained passersby with her grapefruit boobs act. Melissa’s parents were mad that she was still there and called the cops on her. The cops showed up but told them that as Hannah wasn’t on the funeral home’s property, her boob act was constitutionally-protected free speech.
After failing to have Hannah arrested, Melissa’s parents turned their wrath on me. They apparently thought since I drove Hannah to the funeral, I, just three years older than her, was therefore duty-bound to act as her substitute parent. They told me I should refuse to drive her home to punish her for her “outrageous” behavior. I refused, point blank. Then they said I should “talk” to her. I told them I have enough drama in my life and I don’t need a fight with my sister.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Boobs 2
AITA for not telling my BF my bra size?
My BF and his brother are very competitive. Recently they were doing their stupid braggart crap. “I can shoot more free throws than you, well I have a higher SAT score than you, blah blah blah.” Bf’s brother said “my GF has bigger boobs than yours.”(she and I were both there.) He meant it as a self-deprecating joke and we all laughed. But soon BF and brother began “debating” the issue for real. BF’s brother asked his GF what her bra size was, she told him and it was smaller than mine. My BF asked what my size was and I told him it was private and I wasn’t comfortable sharing. BF’s brother declared that meant he “won” by “default” and started rubbing it in BF’s face. Later BF gave me a lecture about how couples are supposed to “support” one another and how I wasn’t “supporting” him.
Judgement: NTA
Boobs 3
AITA for telling someone I thought her shirt was a reference to her breasts?
Recently I was at a festival and I saw this woman who was wearing a shirt, the back of which read, "Check Front For Good News." I thought the "good news" was referring to her breasts. When I went around to see the front of her shirt, it read, "Jesus Loves You." I laughed and laughed at how unexpected (and cheesy) the message was. She gave me an odd look and asked, "what's so funny?" I said "nothing," then she said, "really, I want to know." So I told her I thought the shirt referred to her breasts. She looked disgusted and told me to go eff myself. AITA?
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Note: This post got 1,200 comments before being removed. It was quite the scissor statement. Although I made the situation up, the shirt I described is real.
Copypasta
AITA for emailing a joke to my brother and sister-in-law?
Last week my SIL gave birth to a baby girl. For some reason, they told the doctor not to tell them the gender, so it was a big deal when they found out after the birth. I thought it would be funny to email them this joke:
"Is having daughters the ultimate cuckoldry?
I cannot think or comprehend of anything more cucked than having a daughter. Honestly, think about it rationally. You are feeding, clothing, raising and rearing a girl for at least 18 years solely so she can go and get ravaged by another man. All the hard work you put into your beautiful little girl - reading her stories at bedtime, making her go to sports practice, making sure she had a healthy diet, educating her, playing with her. All of it has one simple result: her body is more enjoyable for the men that will eventually fuck her in every hole.
Raised the perfect girl? Great. Who benefits? If you're lucky, a random man who had nothing to do with the way she grew up, who marries her. He gets to fuck her tight pussy every night. He gets the benefits of her kind and sweet personality that came from the way you raised her.
As a man with a daughter, you are LITERALLY dedicating at least 20 years of your life to raise a girl for another man to enjoy. It is the ULTIMATE AND FINAL cuck. Think about it logically."
My sister-in-law then replied with an angry email calling me all these mean names and saying I was a "bad influence" on my brother. I wrote back, "bad influence, what are we 6th graders or something?" My brother told me he thought it was the "funniest s*** ever" but said it was "inappropriate" to send it to his wife. AITA?
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Note: This is a well known copypasta.
Dirty Old Man
AITA for telling my daughter to stop being a drama queen?
My daughter turned 18 last week and on her birthday my boyfriend(who I have an open relationship with) offered to have sex with her now that it would be legal. He did not threaten her, he didn’t repeat the request after he said no, he calmly said “okay” and walked away.(I wasn’t there but he and she gave the same account.) But she’s been making a giant issue out of it, saying she doesn’t feel “safe” with my boyfriend in the house anymore. I told her she needs to accept that she’s an adult now and that men are going to want to have sex with her. It’s how the world is.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Dirty Old Man 2
AITA for asking my neighbor how old his daughter is?
Recently a new family moved into the neighborhood, consisting of a middle-aged mother and father, a young boy, and a girl who just, based on looks, seemed to be in the 15-20 range. I[44m] was talking with the father, making small talk about careers, the economy, and the neighborhood. Since the daughter is really hot, I asked how old she was. He looked suspicious and asked, "what do you mean?" I said, "is she a legal adult or not?" He was furious and told me to "stay away" from his daughter. I told him that if she is eighteen or older then whether she wants to sleep with me is her decision. He doesn't get a veto like this is Saudi Arabia. I think he's just mad because I'm Black. I know a white guy with a girlfriend 20 years younger than he is - he told me nobody ever gives him trouble.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Dirty Old Man 3
AITA for telling my wife I enjoy video games more than sex?
I recently got married to a woman from Thailand. Everyone calls her a "mail-order bride" but I say I met her on an online dating website not that different from match.com. Anyway, she(19) is significantly younger than me.(50) Recently, I was meeting with my brother and his son. We were playing a "get to know you" game as this was their introduction to my new wife. One of the questions was, "what's the daily activity you enjoy most." I answered, "playing video games." My nephew is 12 years old and has the maturity level typical of a twelve-year-old. He said, "what about having sex with your wife?" I responded that I enjoy gaming more. My wife got mad and started yelling at me. She said it was horribly insulting to her. She pointed to her boobs and crotch and said that "this is worth thousands of dollars on the open market" and that I'm getting it for "free." I pointed out that I'm not getting it for free, I had to pay to fly her to America and I give her parents in Thailand money every month. She had a series of convoluted reasons why those things that subtract money from my bank account don't count as "paying." It's such hypocrisy because she's always whining about how old and gross I am before, during, and after sex. In addition to her, my brother is also mad at me. He says it's not "appropriate" to discuss one's sex life in front of a "child." Which I would ordinarily agree with except that the "child" is the one who brought up the subject.
Did I do something wrong here?
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Nintendo Switch
AITA for telling my mom’s boyfriend I don’t want any advice from him?
My mom has this long running "joke" where she calls my Nintendo Switch a "play boy' and says she got it "confused" with “game boy” and then pretends to not listen when I tell her it’s not a game boy it’s a Nintendo Switch. It wasn't funny the first time and it sure as hell isn't funny the hundredth time, but she still keeps telling it and laughing at her own stupid "joke." (Nobody else does.) So when she was talking with some of her friends, I came in and said "your f—buddy, I mean your boyfriend…" At first I thought it was gonna be a one time thing but after I saw how angry it made her I decided to use it all the time. I said it to my grandmother, I said it in church, I even called the man "f—buddy" to his face. After I did that a few times he tried to have a "talk" with me and gave me "advice" about how I could "improve" myself. He never gave me any "advice" before, instead he mostly ignored me, but I guess me calling him f—buddy got his attention. I told him I don’t want any life advice from someone who works a dead-end job at Target and has a girlfriend who weighs 300 pounds. I fully admit I’m a loser, but so is he.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Momma’s Boy
AITA for tricking my wife into attending an anger management class?
My mom is serving time in prison and she calls me about twice a week and we talk for like an hour. We are talking about everything, our extended family, my business operations, etc, and I mention how my wife is on her period, which is relevant because we’re trying to conceive. My wife overhears this conversation and she gets upset, saying it’s an “invasion of her privacy.” I tell her she should have told me if she wanted me to keep that a secret and that I don’t understand what the problem is. Women have periods; it’s a normal healthy thing. She gets mad and calls me a “momma’s boy.” People have been calling me a momma’s boy all my life; I’ve never understood why I’m supposed to be insulted by that. I suggest that maybe she, like the other malcontents who have been calling me a momma’s boy since the 2nd grade, is just mad that I have a good relationship with my mother and she doesn’t. She gets super mad and tells me I will “pay.” So she starts a campaign of petty annoyances, farting during sex, intentionally burning my food, “misplacing” the remote control, etc.
A few months prior I had made some mistakes and was sentenced to attend anger management classes. I at first considered it a punishment and didn’t want to go, but soon I changed my mind. I realized the way I was handling my anger was not healthy and I consider that I’ve made substantial progress since then. I point out based on what I’ve learned at anger management class that the way my wife is behaving is not a healthy way to express her anger. I say that she should come to the anger management class too.(I verified with the instructor that this would be okay first.) She continues to handle her anger poorly and stomps and yells.
I decide that this idiotic vengeance campaign can’t go on any longer. So I come up with a plan. I live in California where marijuana is legal but running a business, not so much, and as a result, the price in the legal market is about double that in the illegal market. So my wife and I buy in the illegal market. So I tell my wife there is a new supplier and we should go and try it out. She goes and I lead her to the anger management class. She’s increasingly suspicious as we near the class and she asks “is this really where they sell weed?” I say yes, yes, and lead her into the class. Everyone welcomes her, I having already explained the situation. She gets extremely angry and says she’s moving out. It’s three days later and she hasn’t moved out yet but I’m too scared to bring up the subject.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Paranoid Schizophrenic
AITA for encouraging my brother to give away free nuggets at McDonalds?
My brother is 20 years old, has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, and works at McDonald’s. He’s really mad about the disrespectful way management has been treating him. He thinks he can bankrupt his employer by giving away 11 chicken McNuggets every time someone orders 10 chicken McNuggets. He’s allegedly “proved” this via a “partial differential equation.” I thought it was hilarious and encouraged him to do it. I worked for Walgreens so I know what it’s like to be treated like a worthless minimum wage worker. But my mom said I’m wrong and that it’s not what “Jesus” would do. I told her that Jesus only ever worked as an independent contractor and if he knew what it was like to be a minimum wage worker in the corporate dystopia, he’d totally understand what my brother was doing.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Depressed GF
AITA for manipulating my GF into watching a documentary about the Holocaust?
My GF is always depressed all the time and it often leads her to lash out at me. For instance she’ll accuse me of “only valuing her for sex” which is basically true. The sex is wonderful but everything else about the relationship is pretty shit-tier. I know what everyone will say: I should tell her to go to a therapist for her depression. She did and do you know what she said? Therapist is a bitch. Second therapist, same result, bitch. Third therapist, this time a man, and it turns out men can be bitches too.
So I decided to treat her depression by manipulating her into watching a documentary about the Holocaust. She didn’t want to watch it but I whined that we always watch what she wants to watch and that we have a duty to understand the past so we don't end up repeating it. After we watched it I asked her if she was less depressed. She got mad at me and asked why the heck it would make her less depressed. I said it should have given her perspective so she’d realize her life is actually pretty good. That just made her madder and she accused me of emotional abuse.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Trashy Family
AITA for telling my mom’s boyfriend an embarrassing story about my childhood?
My girlfriend and her family are very high-class and my mom is really trashy. I’ve asked her if she can tone down the trashiness for a couple hours when she met my girlfriend. She proved incapable of this, using the opportunity to tell the story of how she got arrested after mouthing off to a cop and claiming that she was an “expert” in getting divorced since she had two divorces and her sister only had one. After my girlfriend left and I confronted her about it she just sneered that “you think you’re better than me,” to which I said “guilty as charged!” Just to be clear, I don’t have any problem with poor people or working class people. I absolutely have a problem with trashy people and don’t want my girlfriend’s family to think I’m one of them.
I decided it was only fair that I share a true story with her boyfriend. So I told sent him a message on Instagram telling him how at seven years old I accidentally crapped my pants, panicked, and then threw the crap-loaded underwear over the neighbor’s fence. My mom was furious and said the story reflected poorly on her parenting.
Judgement: ESH
Christmas Dinner
AITA for bringing a prostitute to Christmas dinner?
Since my brother had to drive down to Florida to see his in-laws, our family celebrated “Christmas” yesterday the 23rd. I didn’t have anyone to bring, so I invited my favorite prostitute, Paula, who was happy at the opportunity to go as most of her family was homeless or in jail. (I didn’t pay her to come or anything, though I often pay her for sex.) Naturally, the subject turned to our careers, and Paula told us about how she attracts and negotiates with clients. (I should note that no children were present.) My SIL looked ill at ease throughout and then stood up and stormed out, declaring that “I don’t dine with whores.” Paula and I just laughed at how uptight she was but my brother was really mad. Later he said that “nobody wants to hear” about Paula’s “career;” I pointed out that his job in the insurance industry isn’t exactly the most interesting thing in the world either but it doesn’t stop him from telling us about it. My mother was also mad, acting all uppity as if we were the effing British aristocracy and we were gonna get looked down on for associating with commoners. I explained to her that the rich people in their mansions are gonna look down on us regardless of how “moral” we are because we don’t have any money.
Judgement: Removed by Reddit’s automated spam filters.
Cocaine
AITA for making my GF take a one-week break from posting on Instagram?
My cousin has an intellectual disability and is always asking me to buy him coke. I always tell him I won't do it unless his parents say it's okay, after which he wails about being "treated like a child." (Which is correct but what else are we supposed to do?) I've told him coke isn't even that great, but he's been watching all these videos on social media that glorify it. This Thursday, during a family event, me and my sister, aunt, and grandfather went into my grandfather's room to do coke. Right as we were about to do it, my cousin knocked on the door and demanded to know what we were doing. We said, "nothing" and then he said, "you guys are doing coke, why can't I do coke blah blah blah." He then started throwing a temper tantrum which my uncle got on video. I shared the video with my girlfriend with the explicit instruction not to share it with anyone else. She ignored this and posted the video to her Instagram.
I got angry for two reasons. First, I've made clear from the very beginning of my relationship with my girlfriend that I don't do this equality thing. I give the orders, she follows the orders, if she doesn't like that she can find another boyfriend. Second, I don't like the idea of those vapid idiots who follow her Instagram laughing at my cousin's expense. She said it was hypocrisy because we were laughing at him too. But I told her it was different because we're his family. We've sacrificed for him, obviously his parents have sacrificed a whole lot more than I have, but still I've spent a lot of time looking after him and I never asked for any money in exchange. So when we do it, it comes from a place of love, quite unlike the sniggering inbred mob on the internet.
I told my GF she has to delete the video and take a one-week break from posting on Instagram or she'll have to find another boyfriend. She's wailing and crying but has deleted the video and hasn't posted to her Instagram so far.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Cocaine 2
AITA for doing coke at my sister’s wedding?
I went to my sister’s wedding and I was doing a line of coke in the private area for the bride’s family when my sister saw me. She got all mad and said it was a DRUG FREE wedding. Which I would have been fine with; it’s her wedding. But she should have told me that BEFORE the wedding rather than assume I would be able to read her mind. She demanded I apologize. I told her I wasn’t going to apologize for something I didn’t know was wrong, so she kicked me out of the wedding.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
All The Races
AITA? I told my brother that nobody admires his stupid "accomplishment."
My brother has been bragging that he has slept with women of "every single race."
That's much less impressive than it seems. It isn't true, for one. He never slept with any Native American, Australian Aboriginal, or paleo-African women. The Asian woman he slept with was a sex worker so she shouldn't count. And the Hispanic he slept with was a pure Spaniard, not even a real Mestizo. He's slept with a white, a black, and a pure Spaniard, and all these women weighed 300 pounds.
When I told him this after he bragged about it for the 500th time, he ran to his room (we both live with our parents) and started crying. Then my mom got mad at me, saying I undermined his "self-esteem." I told her he's an adult not a five-year-old, Jesus.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Ex-wife’s Porch
AITA for paying some homeless people to answer the call of nature on my ex-wife's porch?
A month ago, someone took a dump on my ex-wife's back porch. She had a lot of enemies back when we were married and there are a lot of homeless people in our town. Despite this she asserted without evidence that I was to blame. Then she started telling all my friends about it. Most of them laughed it off, but they've told me that many people believe it and are saying they won't invite me to their parties in the future. I tried to talk about it logically with her but she refuses to listen to logic and has threatened to sue me. Faced with only one possibility, I decided to pay a visit to the local encampment. I gave three homeless men a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black and 15$ each to go and answer the call of nature on her back porch. I then told her I would keep doing it unless she stopped lying to people about me. I realize it might sound like asshole behavior but I felt there was nothing else I could do in the situation.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Body Pillow
AITA for wearing my mom’s underwear?
I[26M] have a body pillow that I’m always coming on. I told my mom multiple times that I’ll wash it myself and she isn’t to touch it but she never listens and then washes it anyway. She says my objection to her touching my body pillow is “irrational.” I’ve said so f***ing what it’s my god d** body pillow. Then she says it’s her “house” and we get into a shouting match. I decided to sneak into her room, put on each of her pairs of underwear, run around the room for a bit, then put the underwear back. I did this this mourning and then texted her while she was at working teller her what I did. All she texted me back was “you’re going to regret this.” I told my step-brother[31M] about it and he said it was disgusting and cruel. Is he right?
Judgement: Removed by Reddit’s automated spam filters.
Family Event
AITA for refusing to apologize for finding something funny?
My two aunts are really fat and don’t get along. They always find something to snipe about and then they throw their arms in the air when they argue. It’s really funny physical comedy. When they did it last my niece and nephew started chanting “fight, fight, fight, fight” like it was middle school. I laughed and laughed. Later everyone got mad at me and said I was “encouraging” the bad behavior of my niece and nephew. I’m not a parent and wouldn’t tell one how to do their job, but just between me and the internet I would have given those kids a medal. They demanded I apologize for laughing. I told them I wasn’t going to apologize for finding something funny. If they don’t like being laughed at they shouldn’t snipe and yell at every single family event and should also consider losing some weight.
Judgement: NTA
Dunce Cap
AITA for making my son march around campus with a dunce cap and a placard around his neck?
So a while ago my son was joining a fraternity and as part of the fraternity initiation, he had to act like a ret ard in public. My FIL saw him doing it and reported it to me and my wife. But I was skeptical because he has early-stage Alzheimers. We got him and my son in a room and my son swore up and down it wasn’t him. We decided we didn’t believe my FIL and I could tell it was incredibly humiliating for him. Later I learned that my son was guilty. I won’t detail how, long story that doesn’t really add anything. I was outraged at how he had humiliated my FIL. So I decided his punishment would be that he had to walk around campus in a dunce cap with a placard around his neck saying, “I’m a piece of sh*t.” He and I did the marching together and when passerby asked what the deal was, I made my son explain the situation. Eventually, someone from the administration kicked us out saying it wasn’t the place for “performance art.” Later, when I explained the punishment to others, many said I went too far.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Thanksgiving Pie
WIBTA if I tampered with the pie at thanksgiving?
Background: I(31F) don't get along well with my parents, who are always passive-aggressively sniping at me. For instance, they've constantly been demanding that my brother and sister have children, saying that if they don't, "the white race will go extinct" and it will be a "victory for the Jews." They do it even though I'm in the room and am just as white as they are. When I pointed this out, they play dumb and are like "yeah, you should have children too," pretending it was an "oversight." Of course, I (like my brother and sister) don't give a darn about the white race or any of that stuff, but I can see the disrespect from a mile away. I thought it would be funny if I pissed them off by getting my boyfriend to pretend to be Jewish and then bringing him to dinner. Instead of the antisemitic rant I expected, my dad pretended he was a "great admirer of the Jews" and started asking my boyfriend specific questions about Judaism. (My dad likes to fancy himself an "expert on the Jewish question.") Unfortunately, my boyfriend, not being Jewish, didn't know what Yom Kippur was. My Dad then realized what had happened and just laughed to himself. (My mom was less amused, ranting on about how she was "disrespected.") My dad then told my boyfriend that "you won't last, she's impossible to please, has a new guy every weekend and has probably taken at least two hundred d***s by this point."
I was furious. Thanksgiving is coming up and I'm thinking of pulling a prank. It's the family tradition on thanksgiving that I'm supposed to bring a store-bought pumpkin pie, since I'm apparently too incompetent to do any of the cooking. I have a friend who works at King Soopers and can get me one of the "guaranteed fresh" stickers they use to seal the pies which would otherwise prevent tampering. My roommate's pet mouse recently died and she let me have the body, which I put on ice. I'll buy a pie, bury the mouse in the pie, then apply the seal. When the mouse is discovered, I'll blame it on King Soopers, similar to how the lady claimed there was a finger in her chili. I figure it will be good to give my parents someone to rant against other than the Jews.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Bra To Church
AITA for telling my nephew to wear a bra to church?
My 14-year-old nephew has been complaining to me about how his mom forces him to go to church even though he is an atheist. I’ve tried talking to his mother, telling her that he is old enough to think for himself and she should stop forcing her beliefs on him, but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. So I told him that he should protest it by wearing a bra on the outside of his dress shirt. When asked why, he’d say it was because he was transgender. (This church being one of those “progressive” and “trans-inclusive” ones.) In reality the point is that being forced to attend church when one is an atheist is emasculating, not that I expect the 75IQ theists there to pick up on a subtle point like that. He did it and his mom flipped out, denied he was transgender, and then angrily drove him home. Now she’s mad at me. Now I know what some of you are going to say, “you’re the uncle, not the parent.” But she just spent the last four years encouraging me to be a “father figure” ever since the boy’s real father got sent to prison. So I think I’ve earned the right to have an opinion on this.
Judgement: Removed by Reddit’s automated spam filters.
Will
WIBTA if my wife and I pretended she was pregnant so my dad won't cut us out of the will?
I think there's a high chance I'll be cut out of the will after my dad dies, which the doctor says will likely happen in the next few months. I'm trying to convince my wife to fake a pregnancy(she's 43 and I'm 46) so that my dad will be guilted at the thought of his grandchild growing up in "poverty."(Which is unlikely in any case, but Dad thinks I'm a complete moron and a screw-up.) My wife is resistant to the idea because she says it's immoral. There's also the problem of what to do if my Dad lives for longer than nine months, which the doctor says is a possibility. I told my wife we'd just claim she had a miscarriage, but she says she's afraid of "bad karma" which I told her in no uncertain terms does not effing exist.
Judgement: YTA
ChatGPT
AITA for using ChatGPT to generate an obituary for my MIL?
I (46F) never liked my MIL, who recently died. My husband(48M) didn’t get along particularly well with her either, but he’s still very torn up about her death. I told him I’d handle the funeral arrangements for him, including writing the obituary. But she was such a bitch that all I kept coming up with was “so and so was a bitchy bitch bitch.” So I turned over the problem to ChatGPT. I showed it to my husband and he approved it and it was published in the paper. But a bunch of his friends are computer programmers and they said “LOL this reads like ChatGPT.” He confronted me about it and I admitted I did it.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Free Spirit
WIBTA if I gave my BF a photo of my sister for V-day as a joke?
A few years ago my sister, a sophomore in college at the time, got mad because my Grandpa wouldn’t let her bring her boyfriend to the family reunion.(Grandpa is a Coptic Christian immigrant from Egypt who’s VERY conservative about sex.) She decided to show what a “free spirit” she was by running around his yard naked. I got several pictures of it.
Thinking about what I’m going to get my boyfriend for V-day, I’m thinking of chocolates and candy and throwing in one of the photos. I know men commonly fantasize about sisters and he’ll be totally shocked by its inclusion among the candy. When I told my sister about it she was mortified and told me I don’t have the “right” to do it. I’m like, hell yeah I have the right. You don’t get to run around naked to prove some kind of point and then get mad when people respond by taking pictures. Those pictures are in the public domain as far as I’m concerned.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Front Hole
AITA for asking my boyfriend for the gift of not having sex on Valentines day?
My boyfriend and I have sex every day and it's really getting annoying for me. I’ve told him this and he just smirks and says “the woman isn’t supposed to enjoy sex.” I asked him if his gift to me for Valentines day can be not having sex. He got mad and called me a “front hole” and then made me stand in timeout for half an hour for “disrespecting” him.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Yearbook
WIBTA if I created a "most likely to shoot up the school" award for my high school yearbook?
I'm on the team developing the high school yearbook. I didn't particularly want to but the guidance counselor told me I needed an extracurricular activity for my college application and it's better than sportsball. Of course the teacher has to approve the yearbook and certainly wouldn't approve the award but she's a complete boozer and a clown and I'm almost certain she won't read past the first few pages. The rest of the team would have to agree and they were noncommittal when I brought up the idea.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Smiley Face Plate
AITA for storming out on Christmas?
I’m an identical twin and my husband keeps asking me and my twin to do a threesome with him. When I asked him what he wanted for Christmas, he kept bringing up his stupid threesome idea. Since he refused to give me any help, I decided not to give him a Christmas present. He was acting all dejected and depressed because he didn’t get a present and wasn’t able to sleep with my sister. It was harshing my buzz on Christmas, so I told him to go to a Chinese restaurant or something. He went home (we were at my parents’) but then returned with a “smiley face” paper plate tied to his face with eyeholes cut out. He said he couldn’t force himself to be happy and that was the best he could do. Everyone was sniggering and I felt they sniggering at me. I told him I would leave if he didn’t take off his stupid smiley face plate. He refused. So I was the one who went and spent Christmas at the Chinese restaurant. When I was talking about it with my parents, they acted like I was the bad person for “kicking my husband out on Christmas” and then storming out.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Gorilla
AITA for giving a blow-up doll to a gorilla?
For the last five months, I've been working at a Zoo. We have a gorilla named Randy who's mad all the time. At first, I assumed gorillas are like that but later I learned the real story. They used to house Randy with another female gorilla they were trying to breed him with but for obscure bureaucratic reasons they lost their gorilla-breeding license. They then separated the two and that's why Randy is so angry. I felt sorry for him and so got him a blow-up doll. My boss is MAD and says that when he finds the person who did it, they're gonna get fired. (Which I doubt would happen considering the staffing problems they're having, but I'm not taking the risk by fessing up to it.) He thinks it's some kind of grave moral violation. I'm thinking, lighten up, bro.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Hate Symbol
AITA for refusing to pay for my mom’s T-shirt?
My mom was wearing a green t-shirt with this Irish pattern. I thought it would be funny if I told her the pattern was a “hate symbol” that had been appropriated by white nationalists. She promptly threw the t-shirt away. Later I told her I made it all up. She was mad and demanded I pay 74$ to replace the shirt. I then laughed at her again, first for believing my ridiculous story and then for paying 74$ for a t-shirt. No wonder she’s broke all the time.
Judgement: Removed by Reddit’s automated spam filters.
Braggart
AITA for bragging about my military service record?
Recently I was with my family and we were all bragging about something. My sister was bragging about her BIGLAW job and my brother was bragging about his almost straight-A grades in high school. So I bragged about my military service record and how I ki**ed 9 people in Afghanistan. I wasn’t bragging to put anybody down or anything. But my parents said it was an inappropriate thing to brag about. They fully agreed that the war was a just war. I’m like, if the war was just, why shouldn’t I be proud of those ki**ings?
Judgement: Removed by Reddit’s automated spam filters.
KFC
AITA for telling my son not to celebrate MLK day at Kentucky Fried Chicken?
My son and his friends told me they were going to go celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day at Kentucky Fried Chicken. I told him he shouldn’t go because there might be a shooting if they run out of chicken. He got mad and told me I was a “giant douche of a racist.” I don’t have anything against African American people or any other group. We’re all one species and should treat one another with decency and respect. I’m just a mother trying to keep her son safe.
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
Wrong Race
AITA for hiring a performer of the wrong race for my son’s birthday?
So recently, my wife was arrested for tax evasion and I’ve been juggling all the work she normally does while she’s in jail. One of these jobs is preparing for the kids’ birthdays. My son's twentieth birthday was coming up and I didn’t know what to get him. I asked my wife but she said she has enough problems in jail and that I had to figure it out for myself. I asked my son what I should do for the party and he said (among other things) that I should hire a stripper. He seemed to be joking but I said okay and he was thrilled. But when the party actually happened, he got mad because the stripper was black. I told him he never said he wanted a WHITE stripper and that I hired the black because she offered the best price; he then said I was a “cheapskate.” My wife backed him up on this, saying that when people request a stripper, it’s “implied” that they want white (“or at least Asian”) unless they explicitly say otherwise. I never knew this, frankly, I don’t understand the appeal of watching a woman dance around in her underwear and not having sex with her. (Not that I would ever cheat on my wife or anything; indeed, I have very little desire for women other than my wife.) But my wife said I should have done “research” and that my lack of having done so was evidence of my “selfish and apathetic” personality that I need to “work on.”
Judgement: Removed by AITA moderators.
You need to do a meta-AITA: "am I an asshole for writing dozens of fake AITAs and trying to fool thousands of people, or am I not because by doing so & claiming credit for it I am helping teach people why they shouldn't believe anything like that on social media because there are people like me out there?"